WHAT HAPPENS AT NEW YEAR PARTY?

Tinkling and sparkling glasses of champagne, party poppers and fireworks on our dream holiday destinations- that’s how we want to do it. But that is not the way it happens. Instead it is that time of year again when you get invited to your society parties which you detest by heart but since you don’t have any other option you decide to go for it. That community hall which you swore not to visit next time every time you step-in comes in as your saviour like eno for that flatulence loaded bloated stomach. Let’s see what actually happens in those typical desi New Year eve’s party:-

1. You get served what you paid for. You want to have those grilled mushrooms and tikkas instead you get samosa, bhajia and chai

2. While you want to scrubb off those screwy starters from your mind and are looking out for that glass of wine but you realize you are in dry state.

3.  Still, you are positive and want to have some delightful conversations when the lady sitting beside you pokes another lady and asks, “Aajkal matar ka bhaw kya chal raha hai.”

4. Next, you turn to DJ wale bhaiyaa for solace but he starts spinning numbers for society kids like “hum bhi agar bache hote, nam hamara hota dabloo babloo………….”

5. You feel like you have been on trekking expedition and as soon as you reach foothills, you realize that you forgot to bring underwear and toiletries. You know you are doomed…!!

6. The last blow that was awaiting you comes when you have to dance with those sabji conscious ladies chattering about their kamwalis and men doing weird dancing stuffs. You can just say “hayee main marr jawan.”

7.   You swore again not to be there for next year celebration but deep down you know, you will be back to square one. Now, we know what it feels like paying for your past lives mistakes.

P.S:- No characters in this work are fictious. Any resemblance to any living person is purely not coincidental.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!

BUCK AND BUTT!!

After the big bang demonetisation two friends meet up in the same bank.

RAM- Aur bhaiwya, what’s up? What are you doing here?

SHYAM- Are bhai the same thing that entire nation is busy doing, exchanging bucks and roasting butts.

Another man standing beside them guffawed as though Shyam told him a really funny joke.

THIRD MAN (placing a pinch of tambaku between his cheeks and gum) – But this gujju must be appreciated for bringing us back in queues which was otherwise an unknown phenomenon. I have been part of this queue-queue for last five days and as soon as I am about to reach Madam ji on the counter gives me an out of order look. Ka karba paiswa chahi ta linewa me laghi ki padi.

In the parallel line, a man with muffler is standing and listening intently, decides to intervene.

FOURTH MAN (man with the muffler) - Do you know who is an Aam Aadmi? Anyone who is tired of this corrupt system is an Aam Aadmi. I was reading more than dozen people were dancing in crushing queues of banks after they could not exchange their money. Where did all the money go? The Aam Aadmi wants to know.

SHYAM- Ee ka, atna thanda ta naikhey bhai ki muffler bandhle hawa. Is there any problem?

FOURTH MAN- Muffler is so cool that we need it in summer too. Also, it helps in bluffing people. Even Emirates Airhostesses carry it all the time. 

RAM- I don’t know, what you want to do?

FOURTH MAN - The fact is yaar that I am suffering from Sinusitis (wipes tears in dramatic manner). I am not here to do any politics. Whatever I am saying today is not against any party or person but it’s horrifying to stand in queues. The road to truth is not easy but full of thorns. I just want to be the first in line. Sir please help, please help na!!

THIRD MAN- Burbak samjhela ka ho. Chup chap khada raha nahin to bank me agla din se ghuse nahin dem.

Suddenly there is breakdown of not so peaceful spirit in the bank. A bank official starts yelling at a shabby looking man for carrying bogus notes in denomination of 1000’s. Man was clearly at loss of words. He looked like a kid who had just been caught hiding in garage after stealing.

RAM (humming)- Ara hile, chapra hile, pura desh hile aur jali note hilela. This entire process has given back burns to entire nation. I hope we survive the cash crash. It is a good attempt by Modi to get his passing marks for next general elections, not to forget that nation building and stuff.

SHYAM- I am all eyes to see me new bucks today. Because of all this big buck game I have not been able to take my girlfriend for movie. She wants to watch Fantastic Beasts and where to find them tomorrow.

RAM- Why go to a multiplex when you can find all kind of beasts on news channels huffing and puffing like slytherin in parliament all the times. That’s a fantastic big buck game.

WHAT LIFE HAS OFFERED ME AS TAKE AWAY TILL DATE?

Life is a learning amidst all chaos. Life is a pioneer in offering customised services as per individual experiences. It is the largest platform for learning parallel to none, and the best thing you don’t need to order anything, just sit back and introspect. At times there are so strong and not so strong moments in life that they leave a long lasting impressions on our minds.

I am on verge of turning 30, my body is undergoing constant wear and tear and am hopelessly trying to crack the juggernaut of work life balance.  Though I cannot boast of an incredible life experience, here are some important take away life has offered me:

1. Keep your husband under check 

It is one of the most daunting task but most important because once you loosen the hold, someone else will take control of him. Do everything possible to entice him after all your happiness depends on how balanced he is, money-wise or mental-wise. 

Jokes apart, he is your best buddy, chalk out time for him and rear your relationship with love and righteousness.

2. You should map your future, but always do that in pencil 

You never know what is in store for you in the Pandora box of life. Be flexible enough, so that if you want to have brownie with hot chocolate and your favourite café is closed, you can walk into the nearest mithai shop and have jalebi with dahi. Trust me, it is a scrummy treat.

3. No matter who you are, you will be judged, so be yourself.

You may be as spiritual as Dalai Lama or as lame as KRK, you will have your own share of followers and detractors. You may be bundle of goodness, but still you will be criticized. People are going to judge, so do not hold yourself from doing what you love and do whatever you want to do. 

Eat, pray, move, love, drink, sleep, read and write…. 

4. Being literate and being educated are two different things.

Majority of people we come across are literate not educated. They drive luxury cars but pee on roadside walls-they write essays on dowry practices but demand dowry in crores-they share posts on emancipation of women while woman in their home is manhandled- they never do what they preach. The whole purpose of education is not only to learn but to bring about a change. If you cannot move towards change, you are literate, but not educated enough. 

5. Not all people using social media are wise enough

Yes, most of them are idiots. They just use social network to click, edit and upload pictures. They are unaware of the fact that social media is not only a strong weapon for facilitating communication but also a lethal weapon which can be an instrument for cyber bullying, trolling, spamming, privacy infringement and identity theft. We need to be careful in choosing whom to trust and whom not to trust, while socializing on internet.

6. Women are the real reasons women are not empowered

Women are not empowered because they have been shackled in slavery for decades but because they have been slave of their ailing thoughts. Such examples are very much live on your family webcasts all the time. For decades, they have been so busy sucking venom out of life that even there value system has gone for weed smoking. Women’s day or girl child day are futile attempts to empower. We need to believe in power of sisterhood to succeed. We need to believe in ourselves, liberate our thoughts, we have to be our best friend and we need to rise together. Set examples not the exemplary episodes of regression. Remember, if you will not stand for them, no one will stand for your girls in future.

7. Not all women are goddess or witches

But most of them are bitches! Women are always seen as a weaker species living in patriarchal society. As a matter of fact they are totally capable of being selfish, adultery, smoking, drinking, conspiring, driving rashly, feeling pain and wanting happiness as everyone else. We need to start seeing them as human rather than goddess or witches. Devi apne kabhi mana nahin aur dayan se ap darte hain to insaan hi samajh lijiye.

8. Stop being perfect because you cannot be

You are not in this world to be flawless but to be what you are. Embrace your flaws and celebrate the real you. Let go off that pressure to be your best all the time. As a human you are subject to making mistakes. If you make mistakes, you cannot be perfect. Do not shy away from making mistakes because failures are stepping stone to success. 

9. Compromise is the most misunderstood word.

The new generation thinks of compromise as sacrifice, totally negating the fact that, at times compromise is the only solution and that is in the best interest of conflicting parties. Compromising is not sacrificing but a prudent way of bringing the conflict on table and leave with best of solution. It shows you flexibility to take control of situation. Yet, you should never compromise with goals you have set for yourself, but you should compromise with people you love. Also, never ever compromise on your integrity.

10. When it comes to friendship, age hardly matters.

Who says that friends need to be of same age group and must share common interest? I am friend with a school going, 15 year old, charming, beautiful girl and her gorgeous mother. Having younger and older friends has its own advantages. While older friends share their experience and wisdom without being patronizing and younger friends help you relive your life, make you feel younger and infect you with their energy. 

11. Do not let anybody get comfortable disrespecting you 

Even if they are your closest family members. You don’t need to take anybody’s shit and let hurt your spirit. Don’t be a coward, there is nothing intelligent about not standing for yourself. You may not win all the arguments, but people will always remember what you stood for- YOU!!

12. Respect only those who respect you

That follows automatically after the last para. But do maintain your grace and kindness all the time. Be a real person, avoid drama and wear a tiara.

13. Invest time on your friends, they pay the greatest dividend.

They are the one who make even the creepiest of the places worth living. They help you survive in even the most hostile environment. So hold on to them forever.

Why India cannot boast of any Michael Phelps or Usain Bolt?

India is a country where Cricket is the religion. Wherever religion is concerned, sentiments are bound to creep in and when sentiments enter, logic bids farewell. While Cricket and Colgate are most celebrated brands, other sports are not even given an underdog treatment like Badminton and Babool. Although various league games have tried breaking the hull with their artificial flavourings and popping at times but like popcorn they are savoured momentarily.

As soon as a child embarks upon his academic journey, parents force upon them two choices either to be an engineer or a doctor. Parents encourage their kids for Olympiads or NTSE but out rightly discourage them in participating any sports program barring few cases. They have only one motto, “Science padho, Engineering karo aur sarkari naukar bano”. India alone churns out millions of engineers every year not because they are passionate about it but because that requires comparatively lesser effort and risk than going for fundamental research in basic science. I can just imagine what would have been the case if Michael Phelps would have been born in India, he would rather have been known as Mohan, got killed as a swimmer and would have been reborn as Engineer or Investment Banker. As goes the popular hindi saying, “if you study hard you will live like a king but if you play sports you will ruin your life.”

Of course education has the highest priority in our poverty stricken nation as people are more concerned about feeding their bellies and quenching their thirst rather than taking interest in co-curricular activities like sports. But then there are countries like Kenya, South Korea and Jamaica with their low per capita income which have done really well in Olympics 2016.  Certainly, there is lack of sports culture, lackluster attitude of administration and no athlete friendly environment that plays a spoil sport. Otherwise, a country with 1.22 billion population definitely has no dearth of talent.

Michael Phelps began swimming at the age of seven, at 10 held a national record in 100m butterfly, started his Olympic journey when he was 15 and has dedicated last 16 years to prove himself as one of the most decorated Olympian of all time. On an average, it takes more than 7 years to prepare for Olympics. In India, none of the sportsmen apart from cricketers are given such intense training. Indian sportsmen/sportswoman who have earned international laurels are anomalies not the result of countries sports-friendly system. Thankfully this time we had Sakshi Malik and Sindhu in Rio to protect our so called naak.

We cannot just sit back in denial. Sports like any other field requires investment of time and money both. It has to be a collaborated effort of our entire society and not just the responsibility of administration. At least try replacing that Beta thoda Padh lo with Beta thoda khel bhi liya karo.

WOMAN EMPOWERMENT-WHAT'S THAT?

SCENE 1(OFFICE)

First Man- Hey, what is this all hullabaloo around woman’s day? There is so much going around in social media, TV channels and newspapers. The entire month is being dedicated to them. I just don’t get it, why a special day a for special creature called female?, just because she is from Venus and we are from Mars.

Second Man- Ya, I know. I thought entire nation is busy flipping channels looking for masala on Pappu, Pappu ki Maa and Kanhaiya. Guess, I was wrong.

First Man- On this auspicious day of 8^th March, I attended a college function, wherein some fellas were enacting a skit on dowry. There was a part which was particularly hilarious, when some of the boys stood up and said, “Hum sapath lete hain ki na dahej denge, na lenge”. If a man or his family doesn’t demand dowry, how is that woman empowerment?

Second Man- Thats all gimmick. In the name of empowerment these damsels  make sure to distress us asking for divorce, huge alimonies, right to late night party, right to gyrate in public and that God forbidden-GAY!! wala thing. Dowry is an age old custom, it has co existed for years and will remain in existence. This sanctimonious institution cannot be subjected to whims and fancies of this class.

First Man- I second you on this. By the way, you got any suitable match for your sister?

Second Man- Oh yes. After a thorough search, we have zeroed on a boy who is a PO in sarkari bank. He has all good looks of a successful man with his french Beard and potbelly. But their demands are way too high, 15 lakhs in cash and a Swift Dezire. Ufff…… that’s not even the market rate of PO.

First Man- How much did you ask for dowry?

Second Man- Ahhhhh………… I didn’t ask for anything. I was man enough to forbid my parents from taking any dowry but my in-laws insisted on 7 lakhs in cash and one Maruti Alto. That was 10 years back and Alto was newly launched. And what a lavish wedding it was……..!!!!

First Man- Yeah, I heard that your father-in-law passed away 15 days after your wedding, leaving behind two unmarried daughters.

Second Man- Ohh!!!  Yes. I will tell you the reason behind it. Actually, his youngest daughter was in love with a Muslim guy and was planning to elope with him. She was caught red-handed. That  ****ing bitch. And people talk about woman empowerment. Seriously people !!!

                                               SCENE- II (HOME)

Lady- I am going to put in my resignation tomorrow.

Husband- Why? What happened?

Lady- Today, while coming back from office in Auto, I was groped by an aged man. I felt so helpless   and stupid. Even the autowallah was sitting shamelessly doing nothing.

Husband- Good Lord!!. Did you mention the incident to anyone? Or complained?

That is why, I ask you to dress appropriately for office. You should not try to attract attention with your clothing.

Lady- Way to go man, instead of empathising with me, you are actually giving me a lecture on re-arranging my wardrobe. Woman are moving ahead, getting empowered and here you are making me feel like I don’t even exist. I cannot ask for more.

Husband- You don’t want to listen to me, that’s Ok. But that’s the fact my dear. Welcome to real word, there is no term such as female empowerment. Its limited to seminars and talk shows.

SCENE-III (KITTY PARTY)

OLD LADY- Hello dear, how was your trip to Jaipur?

HER FRIEND- Great, did a whole lot of shopping and visited many places.

OLD LADY- I have heard you daughter-in-law has joined her office again.

HER FRIEND- Hmm. What to do? Her office work is more important than her two year old baby. Girls these days are always running after money, even though they have a well earning husband. If she is happy working for peanuts, let her be.

OLD LADY- How’s is your son dealing with all this?

HER FRIEND- My poor baby. He is under lot of pressure from these day hectic work schedule, growing baby and nagging wife.  And people talk about woman empowerment. To, hell with it………

                                                       SCENE-IV

Little Birdie- Sire, Sire, what is woman empowerment?

Bored Panda (Slowly opening his eyes and Yawning!!) - Woman empowerment is not actually empowerment. It’s a state of mind, yet to be constituted and way of life, difficult to be attained.